Thursday, January 24, 2013

What defines me?

I sat down with a hot mug of coffee 45 minutes ago to write this post. Then the phone rang, and it rang again. Now the coffee's finished but the baby is still sleeping so here's to hoping he stays asleep long enough for me to finish what I have to share today ;-p.

I have always been overweight. As far back as I can remember, and as photos can testify, I have never been the pretty and slim kind of girl. I like food. No, scrap that, I LOVE food. I love cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. I love showing my love for others by cooking for them. It's a hobby, it's a love affair.

And so I have never dieted. Oh, my Mum - bless you Mummy! - tried to get me to diet and lose weight when I was young, but I just wasn't interested. I hated my body, often with a passion, but I loved food more. Food was also my comfort in a world where I often felt alone and lost. Yes, I turned to food to try and heal the pain inside. Guess what? It never really worked! All it did was make me feel guilty because yet again, I'd caved in.

In my twenties I came to accept myself as I was a lot more, and my body didn't bother me as much. It was kind of frustrating not being able to find lovely clothes that I looked lovely in easily though. When I met my husband he fell in love with me for my heart, and my eyes. He thought I was cute, which I believe I was, but that wasn't enough. I wanted to be beautiful. Don't you want to damn those ads and the image of perfect beauty the media throw at us day after day after day?

I grew up as a Christian. I am a Christian. I know that God loves me just the way that I am. God created me in His perfect image. And yet, I wasn't satisfied. I didn't love myself. Even being loved just as I was by my husband wasn't enough.

And then I had two kids and the scales went even higher. But I loved my pregnancy body and belly. I felt beautiful and proud to be carrying my precious babies. Those were probably the times in my life where I was most comfortable in my own body - when I was at my heaviest. Go figure!

And so I had to ask myself... what defines me? Is it the way I look? Obviously! But I believed I could never have a slim figure. I put barriers and stumbling blocks in my head and on my own path. It was as if even though I hated what I saw on the outside, that was who I was and who I felt comfortable being. I strongly believe that it is a lot easier to stay the same than to face change. But the easy path is not always the right path, is it?

After I had my second baby and was hit by PND once again, I just couldn't live with myself anymore. I wanted change, and I wanted to feel better. I started doing things and saying things to change the course of who I was. I chose to believe not only with my head, but also with my heart, that God truly loves me, that my husband really does like me the way that I am. I started saying no, and I decided I was going to ask for help when I needed it.

And one day, I decided to lose weight! Not because I wanted to conform to today's ideal of beauty, not because I wanted to be more beautiful for my husband, not for anyone. But because I wanted to. For me, for my health, and to prove to myself that I would not be a stumbling block for myself any longer. Our limits are the limits we give ourselves.

Last October, I started the Dukan Diet. I have lost 14kgs so far. And I feel great!

I'd love to hear from you if my post has talked to you in any way.

Have a great weekend!


  1. Ann, dearest, I'm SO proud of you! And actually, when you were very young you were VERY pretty and attractive and NOT at all overweight.

    It may be interesting for your readers to know that having to take a lot of Cortisone in your growing up years, between 7 and 13, had a lot to do with the extra weight. I don't say that to contradict the deep message of your post, to the contrary. It just adds a depth of understanding.

    1. Thank you Mum :-).

      Yes I had forgotten about that detail regarding cortisone.

      Hugs and love