Confessions of an Anxious Mum

I've just had a pretty crappy day. In my head. With the kids.

I can just feel it sometimes, before I even get out of bed. Today's going to be hard.

And then I stop myself in my tracks and berate myself for having those thoughts and tell myself I should be positive. And then I change my mind and think "No, it's okay. Accept your thoughts for what they are". Just thoughts. 

Thoughts are just thoughts until I act on them.

I can always dream, right?

More often than not, these morning intuitions are pretty accurate. Sure enough, this morning started bright and early with Master Joakim who couldn't find his car at 5.15am. Followed by Miss Letitia at about 5.45am whose duvet was all in a tangle and who was freezing. Then I lay in bed, unable to sleep. The more time passed, the more I debated actually just getting up and doing something fruitful that would get me ahead of the game today. But my tired body won and I finally went back to sleep mere minutes before the alarm went off.

As soon as the kids were up, they started bickering, and whining, and screaming like someone was torturing them when in fact their sock wouldn't fit just so. I finally got Miss L to school (on time!), and everything quietened down. It's funny how you take one number out of the equation, and everything changes. The balance shifts.

I breathed. 

My son and I did the groceries. We had a coffee and a fluffy to reward ourselves. That's our little Wednesday routine. We went home, put away the shopping. I was about to start making lunch when my son took my hand and pulled me towards his cars and the racing track,

I paused.

I had a choice. Either tell him once again that I was busy, or stop and play with my darling wee boy.

I stopped. 

We played for 15 beautiful minutes. I looked at my boy's smiles, I heard his giggles. My eyes wanted to eat him up and my ears were tingling with love. Waves of restoring love washed over me. All the hard moments are worth it.

After school pick up, the bickering, the fighting, and the shouting resumed. I ploughed on, that frown between my eyebrows, checking the clock every few minutes and wishing my husband would come home early. He did. Then he went for a run. My heart dived and sunk. I wanted to drop everything, take the car keys, and drive off. But then my heart came rushing back up for air. My head gave it a stern talking too. 

So much goes on between my heart and my head every day. This on-going and never-ending dialogue of feelings and thoughts, of should haves and did nots, of wanting to cry and wanting to laugh. But at the centre of it all is God, and He holds me together, always. He never lets me go.

When I put my son to bed, he held my head close to his, cheek against cheek, while I sung to him. Then I put my daughter to bed. She's started this thing where she tells me "I love you" over and over before she leaves for school or before bed, because she wants to be sure it's the last thing I hear from her before we're apart. I forgot the whining and the screaming, the bickering and the never-ending demands. 

Oh the pure sweet excruciating love bursting out of my chest in these moments. 

My first child is 6. My second child is 3 next week. I still suffer from Post-Natal Depression and Anxiety. Life goes on though. It's like a river, and where I'm at just now is pretty choppy and twisty, but hey, it's a lot better than the rapids and sharp bends I was struggling through a few years ago! And even though my sweet hubby may not see it every day, I know that I'm a better person today because of everything I've been through. I can love better, I can empathize better, I can understand better, and I can be there better.

I don't know where you're at in your parenting journey. But whatever you're experiencing, you're not alone. Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

Confessions of a Sleep-Deprived Mum

First, I'd just like to underline that this stuff applies to sleep-deprived Dads too. I don't want to appear discriminating in any way. But I'm a Mum, not a Dad ;-).

I thought I'd be writing this as a Mum of a newborn, but no, it's only now, with a 6 year old and a very almost 3 year old, that I sit down to write about sleep deprivation. If you'd told me this a few years ago (read pre-children era), I would have laughed at you and told you that my kids, once over the age of 1, would not be waking me up or keeping me awake at night. Ha! So much for that.

I'm finding it a lot harder to cope with the middle of the night and early morning wake ups now, because they're not supposed to be happening! Or are they?

My kids should be old enough to know by now that creating a sleep deprived Mummy-Monster is not a desirable thing to do. At all. That their life will be more miserable for it. That the Happy-Mummy who likes playing and doing crafts and baking is absolutely not going to emerge in those circumstances. Oh no. Mummy-Monster will curl out her ugly head despite all of Happy-Mummy's efforts to reign her in.

I guess kids don't really get the concept of "shooting oneself in the foot", do they? They don't get that a sleep-deprived Mummy-Monster is really not fun to have around, and so maybe they should keep back from waking Happy-Mummy up at 2am because “I can't find my car”, or “I'm thirsty”, or “I just had to poo in the middle of the night”, or “My foot is really itchy”. And then at 5am because “My hot water bottle is cold now”, or “I'm absolutely sure there's a spider in my room”.

Once they're back in bed and I'm desperately trying to go back to sleep, I try to remember if I did the same thing to my parents. And seriously, I don't think I did. I do however remember having bad nightmares and waking my Dad up in those circumstances. But nightmares are one exception that I don't mind getting up for. And REAL sickness. Seriously, I think I was a pretty angelic child as far as sleep was concerned, once I'd passed the 1 year old stage. But hey, my Mum, who reads my blog, can correct me on this. Watch the comments section below!

So anyway, I've put together a little list of “do nots” and “dos” of a sleep deprived Mummy-Monster. This list applies not only to my close family, but anyone else I may enter into any contact with on that given day (poor souls). I do realise that my list is far from the expected “Godly Mummy” I strive to be when not sleep-deprived, but there you are, such is the reality of a sleep-deprived Mum!

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1) do not, under any circumstances, expect me to do anything until I've had a cup of coffee.

2) do not, under any circumstances, tell me that there are people worse off than me out there.

3) do not, unless you want me to disappear for the rest of the day, speak loudly or shout or scream.

4) do not, unless you like living with risk, ask me to do anything above and beyond my basic responsibilities, which are already way too many.

5) do not empty more than one toy box. Over the whole day.

6) do not complain about the food I put in front of you (this one goes for darling hubby as well).

7) do not expect me to utter more than 2, maybe 3 sentences in a row. Rather, do expect me to be very quiet, to nod and shake my head, and growl in your general direction.

8) do not ask me how long the kids have been watching TV today as you can be sure that I'm already feeling very guilty about it.

9) do not fight.

10) do not argue.

11) accept that no means no.

12) please, please, please, do not whine.

13) do take me out for a coffee.

14) do offer to take my child/ren away for an hour.

15) do offer me a glass of red wine any time from 4.30pm.

16) please, please, please, do let me sleep tonight if you want Happy-Mummy back tomorrow!

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Now, I really really really want to hear from you if you've somehow managed to get it into your little ones' heads that it is not a good idea to wake Happy-Mummy up at night. How do you do it?

But if you're like me, and you haven't found the magical recipe either, I really really really want to hear from you too, because then I won't feel so alone!

Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

And do leave me a comment. I just love to hear from my readers.

The New Mum Breastfeeding Station

A woman I know is going to have her first baby in July. Friends and I are organizing a baby shower for her tomorrow. It's all pretty exciting. As I thought about a present to give her, I kept coming back to a gift a dear friend gave me when my second child was born. A "Mummy breastfeeding station box". It was so practical and contained things like muesli bars, tissues, a pen, a notebook, and I could also put my phone in it. I would just pick it up, and put it down next to where I was feeding. So I thought I would make one up for my new friend, and I do believe she hasn't come across my blog yet - phew:

New Mum Breastfeeding Station

I'm pretty happy with myself! There's some yummy Frooze Balls, a notebook and 2 pens for all those thoughts and things to do that go through your head just when you're stuck in a chair breastfeeding, a cup with a lid and a straw (no risks of spilling on baby), a lip balm for those post pregnancy dry lips, tissues and Milo (gosh, I don't know what I would have done without Milo when I was breastfeeding those first few weeks). The only thing missing are Hydrogel disks (I'm not getting paid to advertise these by the way. They are just plain brilliant!). Oh my goodness, those breast pads are the most life changing thing a friend gave me and they just about saved my nipples, if I may say so. And oh the bliss when you take them out of the fridge and apply them. Anyway, I haven't found any in time for tomorrow so I might get my friend some when the baby is born.

Another thing I thought about including, then thought it might be best not to as I don't want to frighten the poor woman, are the unmentionable disposable briefs. Yeah, I won't go into any details, but let me just say that you don't want to put your cutest underwear in your maternity bag. Oh no. They'll end up in the bin - believe me!

So, is there anything else you'd put in a New Mum Breastfeeding Station? I'd love to hear your ideas, on here or on Facebook.

Thank you for reading, and Kia Kaha, as always!

Oh that sweet sugar!

Well, a few evenings ago, I thought I was at an AA meeting for sugar addicts. Seriously, my guests and I were introducing ourselves like this:

"Hi, I'm Sarah*, and I am so addicted to sugar. I can't stop eating the stuff."

"Hi, I'm Lynn*, and I like sweet things so much. I find it hard to have any self control when it comes to sweet things".

"Hi, I'm Carol*, and my kids eat way too much sugar. I'd love to know how to cut that down".

I was hosting a Sugar Workshop with Angela Humphrey who is the master-head behind The Sugar Trade blog. A couple of weeks ago, I told you how I was eating myself skinny, and how cutting out sugar had been a huge part of that. I think these days, there is a lot of talk about how sugar is bad for you and how you should stop eating the stuff, but no one is really talking about practical tips on how to do it. I thought Angela was a great person to introduce some ideas to friends interested in making a change.

But here I'd like to tell you about my journey and my family's journey. I'm a baker. I love baking, I love making people feel warm and welcomed with my baking, and it's hard to let one day go by without baking something. But, I have two young children and not much time to fluff around. So I had to find an achievable solution. I did! Hopefully you can see that this is not a hard thing and that baby steps in the right direction are totally ok!

We were sugar addicts:

We were all addicted to sugar. My kids were eating a lot of chocolate and all my home baking contained sugar. My husband was putting 2 to 3 tsp of sugar in his tea or coffee, I was putting 1. We were adding sugar to our natural yoghurt, cereals, other hot drinks, sauces, and the list goes on.

Something had to change!

I did a lot of reading and research and realized that the bad stuff that was making us addicted, sick and fat was the fructose part of sugar (which is made of fructose and glucose in equal parts). If you'd like to know more about how sugar is bad for you, head over this way to "21 reasons to eat less sugar". The glucose however, our body needs, uses and burns to give us energy!

Fructose was the meanie and fructose had to go!

Changes I made on the family level:

Two years ago, I ditched all my sugar and bought a 25kg bag of powdered glucose. You can easily find smaller quantities in supermarkets. Glucose was an easy swap because in all my recipes I simply put the same quantity of glucose as what is required of sugar. So 1 cup sugar = 1 cup glucose. EASY. Glucose is a little less sweet, which is a good thing too. A few weeks after this change, my hubby had lost 5kgs! I also use Rice malt syrup, honey and glucose syrup. You can read more on alternatives to sugar on Angela's blog post on sugar alternatives.

One big thing I'm aware of now is food labels. I check the grams of sugar, divide it by 4, and that tells me how many teaspoons of sugar are in one serving. This is very eye-opening, and a helpful guide when I'm shopping. I can make much more informed choices of what I put in my trolley.

That's it! So EASY! Two years on, my kids eat a lot less chocolate (like, a month down the track their Easter baskets were almost untouched) and lollies, my husband puts 2 tsp glucose in his hot drinks and finds cafe baking way too sweet. The 5 kgs he lost was just a silver lining for him, as he's a pretty fit guy anyway.

Changes I made on a personal level:

At the same time as ditching the sugar and switching to glucose, I wanted to lose 20 kgs. I wanted to go hard out, so I ditched sugar, and all its high GI and glucose alternatives. I basically went cold turkey from one day to the next.

I won't lie to you. I suffered from headaches, bad moods, tiredness, grumpiness and bad sugar cravings for about two weeks. But, after that, my energy levels were amazing, I felt amazing, and there was no looking back. I had no baking for about 5 months, while I rapidly lost weight. I knew, however, that this was not sustainable long term because as I've said before, I LOVE BAKING, and I love eating my baking. 

So I did more research and trialled different things, and this is what I now use for myself: whole fruit (not dried), erythritol and stevia. They work for me, and I'm happy to give you some advice on making the switch if you're interested.

Yes, we do make exceptions! When we go to parties, or to see friends, or to a cafe or restaurant, we have sugar. There's no way around it, really, if you want some dessert or baking. But I'm ok with that, because it's not all the time. To be honest with you, my latest sugar loaded exception was at Louis Sergeant Sweet Couture on Featherston St in Wellington. Oh my, oh my... 

(A small note of caution though: when I do make exceptions, I know that I will very likely feel ill for a few hours afterwards - usually nausea and headaches. This does not happen to the rest of the family who eat glucose).

"Mon Tiramisu", Louis Sergeant Sweet Couture

Now before I finish off on this topic, I really want to share with you a recent decadent, delicious and surprising addition to my sugar free sweet treats! The original recipe is on Angela's blog, but here I give you my variation to make it low GI (it's already sugar free):

Green Chocolate Bliss Balls

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Ingredients

1 large avocado

1 tsp vanilla essence

1/2 cup powdered erythritol (I use my coffee grinder)

2 tbsp melted coconut oil

1 cup ground nuts (I use almonds)

1/4 tsp salt

1/8 cup coconut flour

1/2 cup cocoa powder

Instructions

Mash the avocado. Stir in vanilla and coconut oil. 

Mix in all the other ingredients, stirring well as you go.

Scoop up approximately teaspoon size portions, and roll into balls.

Roll in coconut, cocoa powder, ground almonds, etc.

Enjoy!

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That's it. I guess the biggest change we made was in our heads. Once we knew the facts, we decided what was ok and what wasn't for our family, then we forged ahead. I'd love to hear where you're at on your sugar journey or if you have some questions.

Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

*All names in this post are fictional :-).

I'm in the trenches

Life as a stay at home parent can be so hard.

It's hard for me today. I'm sitting on the floor outside the bathroom door while my son finally plays happily in the bath. It's been one of those mornings that started at 6.15am with my son taking his dirty nappy off and putting No Twos all over himself. He then would not stay in bed, so I camped outside his door in a blanket so that every time he opened his door I could send him back to bed. Did I mention I had to take out his light bulb? 

Boy oh boy, life with an almost 3 year old is tough. I vaguely remember going through this phase with my daughter when she was a similar age. So it's kind of reassuring to know that I can only vaguely remember that time with her. 

There is hope!

But today, I just wanted to encourage all of us stay at home Mums and Dads. 

Well done us! Well done, Mama! Well done, Papa!

We deal with this, day in and day out, and we have to dig so deep for that extra dose of patience when all we really want to do is lock ourselves up in our room with a wine (even at 8am, yes yes!) and pretend that he / she didn't exist. Just for just a little while.

But hey, it will be okay. And you're not alone!

God created us with this ability to dig deep into the trenches of our willpower, whatever happens. I knew, even as I stood face to face with my husband this morning and begged him to stay home today, that actually, we were going to be all right. That my son and I would both get through the day.

And now he's happy in the bath. At 11am. Who cares? It's amazing how just a few minutes of peace and calm can get us out of our trenches and back into the sun.

Kia kaha! Be Strong!

Eat yourself skinny!

I wanted to write about erotica today, or Mummy porn. But I won't. I'm not ready to put myself out there that much yet. But watch this space because I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Instead, I thought I'd share a little more about my weight-loss journey. I empathize strongly with people who are overweight. I know how you feel. I know how you think. 

I know the battle that goes on in your head all the time.

I'm still on the battle field, and I've come to accept that I will be fighting this my whole life. I just like food too much. I'm obsessed with food and recipes even. When I'm eating a meal, I'm already thinking about what I'll be making for the next one! But, I don't like being overweight. Not only do I not like how I look when I'm overweight, but especially, I don't like how I feel. 

Never give up food you like to lose weight. Because you will lose the battle.

So, I've found a strategy that enables me to win so much more easily. I am loosing weight and I'm eating delicious food. I'm eating butter. I'm eating cheese. I'm having cream and ice cream. And cake. And I'm still eating some carbs. The secret is:

I don't mix fats and carbs and I always give my body protein!

I only ever give my body one fuel to burn. Either fats, or carbs.

And I don't eat sugar! That is the one big no no. And yes, it's hard to give up sugar. Your body will go into withdrawal. You will probably get bad headaches. After all, "sugar is more addictive than cocaine"! But after a few days you will feel better, the headaches will disappear, you'll have more energy, you'll have less cravings and you'll be more in touch with your hunger and satiety feelings.

Anyway, back to not mixing fats and carbs to lose weight. A dear friend lent me her Trim Healthy Mama book. I read it. It made sense. I applied it. I lost weight. I'm still losing weight. If I "cheat" too often, my weight loss stalls, or it goes up a bit, but as soon as I'm back on track, off fall the kilos.

I don't like to think of THM as a diet. It's more of a low GI eating plan with three main rules:

1) No sugar

2) Don't mix carbs and fats

3) Have protein at every meal

It's not hard to adapt to it. You just have to tweak some recipes a little. When my family have pasta, I have steamed cabbage or cauliflower. When they have fries, I have pumpkin or kumara (aka sweet potato) wedges. When I make cottage pie, I make a delicious cheesy cauliflower mash instead of potato mash. The kids and hubby didn't even notice it wasn't potato mash until I told them! When they have regular bread, I have my amazingly good low carb bread (my hubby even said it tasted as good as bread bought in Swiss bakeries - that's saying something!). 

My biggest mountain to climb was baking. I love baking. And I love eating my baking. How do you do that without white flour and without sugar? Well, I've found some great baking recipes on the All Day I Dream About Food blog. And I've played around with sugar substitutes:

• xylitol: very low GI, very little calories, tastes like sugar, but very high in fiber so tends to give me tummy issues.
• stevia: very low GI, no calories, but I can only bear the taste of high quality stevia, and only in my yoghurt.
• erythritol: very low GI, no calories, tastes like sugar. This is what I use in all my baking.

That's it really! I'm eating such delicious food and I'm losing weight. Once I've reached my weight goal, I'll be able to mix carbs and fats a little more to stabilize.

The most important thing for me is that I'm still having fun in the kitchen and I'm still enjoying everything I eat. 

Let me know if you have any questions or would like some more details or links.

Kia kaha! Be strong!

PS. Oh by the way, this food plan is really good for diabetics as it's low sugar and low GI. Many people have had amazing health results on this plan.

Don't beat yourself up!

I have no idea where this post is going to take me. The only thing I know for sure is that I haven't written in far too long, and words have been brewing in me for weeks.

I think of you often. Of how I could encourage you, of what I could share with you. And then the kids take over, or blissful sleep engulfs me, or I sit dazed and exhausted once the kids are in bed at night, and yet another day goes by without one single word to you. I often wish I could make a commitment to write at least once a week. Wow, that would be amazing! That would mean having at least one to two hours to myself every week to sit down in peace and with a functioning brain. Te he, it doesn't happen much in my house. I bet it doesn't happen much in yours either. It's called life with a young family.

And that's okay. One thing I'm learning in my thirties is to Not Beat Myself Up.

Don't beat yourself up Mama.
Don't beat yourself up Papa.

Whatever happens, it's okay. Whatever doesn't happen, it's okay too. It's so liberating!

Mamas and Papas, it's okay if you don't get through everything you wanted to get done today. It will still be there tomorrow. But tomorrow, your child(ren) will be one day older, and one day closer to leaving home. I don't know about you,

but I'm tired of letting life steal moments of joy with my kids.

God has trusted me with two precious lives and in the great scheme of things they are in my care for a very limited time. I want to nurture them. I want to support them. I want to laugh with them. I doubt they'll remember the piles of laundry, or the dirty dishes in the sink. But I'm pretty sure they'll remember the times we played "catch" at the playground, or the times we jumped on the trampoline and laughed so hard Mummy almost "had an accident".

I'll remember standing by their bed and inhaling their scent as they sleep. I'll remember the very slow walks around the block, looking at every flower and every fallen leaf. Counting steps and chasing rainbows. I'll remember the look in their eyes when they said "Look, Mummy!", and I looked. I'll remember my sweet boy's hand on my cheek as he whispers, "Mama".

Mamas and Papas,

we're building personal treasure chests of memories with our kids. 

We're filling their love tanks and growing unique and precious individuals.

But you know what, there are days where I just can't be bothered. There are days when I don't want to have fun with my kids. There are days when my to-do list does take over. There are days when work has to be done. There are days when Mama and Papa have to talk to each other and the children just have to wait. There are days when I yell. There are days when I cry. There are days when I worry or panick. There are days I just don't want to get out of bed and face the day.

That's okay. Tomorrow will come, and with it a new dawn and a new day of opportunities. A chance to give it my best shot, even when I stumble. Tomorrow has the potential to be the best day ever!

Mamas and Papas, let's be chasers of happiness.
Let's be catchers of moments of joy with our children.

Be encouraged on your journey today. Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

PS. As a blogger, I just love comments from my readers. Do leave me a note with your thoughts and ideas. And if you think this would encourage someone you know, feel free to share it with them. Thank you!