Don't beat yourself up!

I have no idea where this post is going to take me. The only thing I know for sure is that I haven't written in far too long, and words have been brewing in me for weeks.

I think of you often. Of how I could encourage you, of what I could share with you. And then the kids take over, or blissful sleep engulfs me, or I sit dazed and exhausted once the kids are in bed at night, and yet another day goes by without one single word to you. I often wish I could make a commitment to write at least once a week. Wow, that would be amazing! That would mean having at least one to two hours to myself every week to sit down in peace and with a functioning brain. Te he, it doesn't happen much in my house. I bet it doesn't happen much in yours either. It's called life with a young family.

And that's okay. One thing I'm learning in my thirties is to Not Beat Myself Up.

Don't beat yourself up Mama.
Don't beat yourself up Papa.

Whatever happens, it's okay. Whatever doesn't happen, it's okay too. It's so liberating!

Mamas and Papas, it's okay if you don't get through everything you wanted to get done today. It will still be there tomorrow. But tomorrow, your child(ren) will be one day older, and one day closer to leaving home. I don't know about you,

but I'm tired of letting life steal moments of joy with my kids.

God has trusted me with two precious lives and in the great scheme of things they are in my care for a very limited time. I want to nurture them. I want to support them. I want to laugh with them. I doubt they'll remember the piles of laundry, or the dirty dishes in the sink. But I'm pretty sure they'll remember the times we played "catch" at the playground, or the times we jumped on the trampoline and laughed so hard Mummy almost "had an accident".

I'll remember standing by their bed and inhaling their scent as they sleep. I'll remember the very slow walks around the block, looking at every flower and every fallen leaf. Counting steps and chasing rainbows. I'll remember the look in their eyes when they said "Look, Mummy!", and I looked. I'll remember my sweet boy's hand on my cheek as he whispers, "Mama".

Mamas and Papas,

we're building personal treasure chests of memories with our kids. 

We're filling their love tanks and growing unique and precious individuals.

But you know what, there are days where I just can't be bothered. There are days when I don't want to have fun with my kids. There are days when my to-do list does take over. There are days when work has to be done. There are days when Mama and Papa have to talk to each other and the children just have to wait. There are days when I yell. There are days when I cry. There are days when I worry or panick. There are days I just don't want to get out of bed and face the day.

That's okay. Tomorrow will come, and with it a new dawn and a new day of opportunities. A chance to give it my best shot, even when I stumble. Tomorrow has the potential to be the best day ever!

Mamas and Papas, let's be chasers of happiness.
Let's be catchers of moments of joy with our children.

Be encouraged on your journey today. Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

PS. As a blogger, I just love comments from my readers. Do leave me a note with your thoughts and ideas. And if you think this would encourage someone you know, feel free to share it with them. Thank you!

To the trudging



I had two hours to myself on Saturday - bless my husband. So I went for a walk along the seaside, and as I watched my feet, advancing, one in front of the other, over and over again, it dawned on me that this is much what my life is like at the moment.

Doing one thing after another, day after day, and doing so almost like an automat. Pretty boring and unexciting.

But then I stopped in my tracks and thought: it doesn't have to be this way. It is in my power to make a conscious decision to do a few fun things, to notice the beautiful, to treasure the moment and to transform the mundane into precious sparkling moments. So I took a few pictures for you of things that struck me as beautiful or interesting.

 

I saw a beautiful white flower on its own on the side of the road. Much like me at that moment, being blown around in the wind, but holding firm by its roots.

 

What are your roots?

 

For me, it's first and foremost my faith in God. Second, my husband. Third, my kids. They are my three constants, who guide me through life.

 



 

I also admired the beautiful blue and sparkling sea, the vivid azure of the sky, the soft and fluffy clouds, and the brilliantly red pohutukawa trees. I sat in awe of nature, listening to the soothing sound of the sea. My soul was overcome with peace and tranquillity. I could feel my emotional and spiritual batteries getting charged up.

 

It was a gift.

 

A magical moment that came unexpected, but which I opened myself to.



 



 

After that, it was time for a coffee. Alas, it was disappointing. Not hot enough and too bitter. However, I decided to stay in my positive frame of mind. I enjoyed sitting outside, and just watching people walk by. In the world of a Mum with young children, sitting down and doing nothing equates to a magical moment.

 



 

And as I write these words for you, I am on my own again. I feel so lucky and privileged to have a husband who sees my need for time alone and who makes it happen (and yeah - that's an empty iced coffee container in the background, tsk tsk.)

 

Be encouraged today.

 

If you feel like you're trudging along, you are not alone. Far from it. Take a minute to breathe deeply and be aware of one beautiful thing, thought, smell or person around you.

 

Kia kaha! Be strong!

4 weeks of holidays to go - eeeek!



You must forgive me for not writing over the last few months. Sometimes life gets too busy and complicated, and when that happens, I find I cannot write anymore.

Have you been there, dear reader? At that point where you are so submerged in and by life and its complexities that you can't even find an outlet for your gifts? And yet, using your gifts is what essentially keeps you going, isn't it?

So here I am, dear reader. I have been stripped bare over the past few months, but here I am, and happy to be here.

What are you facing at the moment?
Are you in a happy place?
Are you in a worried place?
Are you in a sad place?
Are you in an "I don't want to feel anything anymore" place?

I'm in an anxious place.
My head knows that being anxious doesn't help:



But there it is, in its naked truth: I am anxious. I almost feel there should be an AA group for Anxious Anonymous. "Hello, my name is Ann and I'm an anxious person". Some of my anxieties are unidentifiable. It's this latent underlying feeling that usually rears its ugly head early in the mornings or late at night. The rest of the time, it rests pretty dormant, just occasionally popping out of its hole to remind me that it's still there.

Some of my anxieties, however, I can put my finger on. For example, right now, it's 4 more weeks of school holidays, with 2 kids at home, a husband working long hours, and no family around to help take off some of the load.

What am I going to do with them? Both Master 2 and Miss 5.5 are very energetic, highly interactive and extremely bright kids. Oh I have ideas of what we could do, and I always have a few ideas up my sleeve. But the hardest is the knowledge that I will not get much respite for that length of time. I've loved having a part time job outside the home. It keeps me balanced and able to give my kids the best of me when I am home. But at the moment I'm not in a position to do so very much. So while it makes me anxious, I also want to treasure the next few weeks. There will be beautiful moments. I know it.

So, I'm interested. What are your tips for surviving the long summer holidays? Please share!

I'll start:
- create some form of routine (because this works best for us);
- see friends;
- plan one non free activity per week;
- make things as fun as possible;
- stay relaxed;
- get the kids outside at least once a day;
- it's okay to put the TV on. Really, it is;
- involve the kids in baking etc;
- arrange at least 2 hours of ME TIME at the weekends - this always involves good coffee;
- plan some dates with my husband.

 

Kia kaha dear reader. Be strong. Keep cool.



What is it, about men and sports?

What is it, about men and sports?

Like seriously, I would like to know, from some of you real men out there, why you forget about everything else that exits when you are thinking about / watching / planning sports? 

The kids can be going crazy around you - you don't notice. 

Your wife is running around trying to get everything done even though it's the weekend and she'd love to plonk herself down with a good book - but you don't notice. 

Said wife starts banging cupboard doors and slamming things down on the table in front of you - still, nothing permeates.

Dinner is on the table - very slight reaction to the possibility of food. Need I continue? (I would like to say, at this point, that yes, I am talking largely about myself here but am hoping that more than one other woman will relate - please tell me I'm not alone!).

And I would love to hear from you real women out there, who live with such real men, on how you manage life with these guys that I know you love with all your hearts?

Please don't get me wrong, I love my man to bits. I'm just trying to understand one of these "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" differences.

So anyway, I don't really have anything to add at this point other than I'm extremely interested in reading you, and I am seriously in need of a glass of red wine!

Kia kaha! Be strong!

Why do I write?

Yeah - why do I write? It's a question many people have asked me, and which I have asked myself more than once. I often tell myself, "heck, what's the point?". I mean, there are so many blogs out there, what more could I have to say? But then I'm like, well that's a pretty self-demeaning thing to say... And my blog is partly about just that, finding my voice as a Mum, but also as a human being trying to find her way on this planet and in this mayhem of life options and journeys.

Then last week, honest and inspiring blogger Angela at The Sponge wrote about why she wrote, and asked me if I'd be keen to be part of this blog nomination chain thing where you tell everyone who's interested in reading you why you write. I love reading Angela's blogs. She's honest and straight up and I can often relate to her. So I was more than keen to take up the challenge. Yes! I thought. Here's a good excuse to really think about this.

Anyway, I better get to the list of questions I'm supposed to be answering!

Why do I write?

I guess for me, writing has always been about just that: thinking more deeply about things. There's a kind of magic that goes on between my brain, my heart and my fingers when it comes to writing. Once things are written down, I see everything more clearly! I so wish I had the energy to get up and write in the middle of the night when my brain is going round and round in circles. Sigh - the sad truth is I can't lift my head off the pillow or dare to wake up my husband in the process. And so the thin threads of inspiration, the faint hue of clarity which are teasing me at the horizon of my brain disappear into dark slumber. And I wake up in the morning thinking, "darn, that would have been an awesome blog post! or an awesome poem!"

How does my writing differ from others in its genre?

Well that's a hard one to answer because I haven't read all the blogs out there. But, I guess I write as I would talk to you if we were face to face. I want to feel close to my readers, and them to feel close to me.

How does my writing process work?

Usually I'm most inspired when sitting in a cafe people watching and drinking good quality coffee. You know, the "well-balanced just the right heat" kind of coffee. I'll sit there with my notebook and hand write my posts first usually, then type it up when I have some time, add gorgeous photos, and put my article online. There are only a very few cafes where I find inspiration.

I always have blog article ideas going around in my head, and quite a few that I have started writing and will finish at a later date. Often, I'll just sit there, sip my coffee and the words just flow out of me. I've always been complimented on my writing and always had great marks on my essays. I've written poems since I was 8 years old. I just love writing. It's something that comes naturally to me.

What am I working on?

Well, nothing really, other than what I'm writing to you right now. I don't have any other big writing projects on the go, but I do dream of writing a book one day. I sometimes tell people that "I have a book in me somewhere, but I haven't found it yet". Exciting!

 

Why do I write what I do?

First and foremost, I write for myself. Because I need to. Because I become this miserable frustrated grumpy person when I don't.

Secondly, I write in the hope that laying myself bare on the big public platform will help and encourage you, my reader. That you will not feel so alone in your struggle with weight loss or depression or parenthood. That you will find inspiration for yummy food.

 

And now it's nomination time!

While I happily volunteered to be tagged on The Sponge, I'm a little uncomfortable about tagging someone else. I would however love love love to hear why my very long time friend Abby, who is an amazing Missionary Mum, writes. I would also love love love to read why my sweet friend Elisabeth writes. So if you're keen to play along, ladies, and would like to tell us why you write (to post next Monday), let me know and I'll add a link to your blogs!

It's the little things

It's the little things that matter these days.

Not the "where will we be living in 5 years time?" big things.

No.

It's the "I'm enjoying this cup of coffee", or "the kids only fought 4 times today", or "the sun is shining", or "I can read a book for 5 minutes", or "wow, look at these flowers" things.

I've found life hard since coming back from our European "holiday" visiting family. Jet lag, sick kids, new routines, training a new au pair, a very busy husband at work, kids constantly at each other, Mr. 2 waking through the night, manners that seem to have stayed stuck in that last Air New Zealand flight to Wellington. The list goes on and on. The daily grind has been bearing down on me.

Last Saturday, my husband had to work, my au pair was sick, and Mister 2 was a M.O.N.S.T.E.R. He just cried and whined and said no. He wanted to "help" me vacuum (now that I think of it though, why was I even trying to do any housework on such a day??). He provoked his sister incessantly. She, for once, was being quite nice to him. No matter how often I separated him from his sister or redirected his attention, I was unsuccessful.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Have you been there? Please tell me you have!

In the end, I arm-wrestled screaming and kicking Mr. 2 into his pram, grabbed Miss 5 and her scooter and we all zoomed down to the local beach cafe. Five minutes later, they were both calm and happy with ice creams, while I sipped a life-saving mug of tea (dreaming it was in fact red wine!).

I thought to myself, "I deserve a medal".

Every Mum should have a medal somewhere, that she can whip out and put around her neck for getting through hard moments. I'm actually considering making myself one!

Anyway, to get back to my story, when my husband (finally!) got home, I said to him, "please hug me tight and long". Bless him, he did.

After that day, I thought that from now on, I was going to focus on enjoying the little things in life. The big things will wait for awhile.

So, as I write to you, I'm enjoying an hour of "Mummy time", eating a slice of delish pizza, and drinking a hot cappuccino. And I am so thankful for my dear hubby who got home from work earlier than expected and graciously said, "go".

What is your go-to tactic when parenting becomes too much? Do you hide a medal somewhere that you pull out? How do you get through the daily grind?

I hope this post encouraged you. You are not alone finding your way around motherhood. And some days, even though you may have read heaps of parenting books and articles, you may have seen all these cool kid activities on facebook, you just don't have the energy. And it's okay. You're still going to get to the other side. And when you do, pat yourself on the back and say "well done". You are growing precious children, and if that's not the most important job in the world, I don't know what is.

Kia Kaha! Be Strong!

Belonging

When the mind is in one place, the body in another, and the heart is torn between the two.

I have felt my roots tentatively reach out towards the soil where I'm living at the moment, and very cautiously test its feel, its dampness and its adequacy. But the earth beneath my feet is never quite right. Having once been uprooted, I do not know where I really belong, other than with those I love.
Some of them - the wider family - are on one side of the world, the others - my husband and children - are on the other side, my current side.

I consider myself a fundamentally happy and positive person. And yet there is this deep underlying melancholy and dissatisfaction with life. Where I'm living is never quite right. My work is never quite the right one. I'm constantly persuaded that there is better. And yet this "better" is always slightly out of reach.

As I sit here, writing this post in a concert hall, listening to the NZ Trio playing Dvorak's Third Piano Trio, who was deeply influenced by the Bohemian music from his homeland, I can't help but wonder... where IS my homeland?

My heart, body and mind have been forever undecided, and unable to decide. I am coming to the conclusion that this is to be my reality. Yet my heart aches for the unity of all three. I wonder if all Third Culture Kids identify with such a feeling of unending quest for peace of mind, body and heart.

If you're in that place too, I'd love to hear from you. If you've been in that place, but you've found a way to grasp such peace, I'd love to hear from you too.

As the concert drew to an end, it dawned on me that I am raising Third Culture Kids myself. I'm not a missionary or a diplomat, but my husband and I simply live in another country from the one we call home (it is home to my husband, it is a home to me). I must admit that I don't like the idea that my children will battle with the same feelings of inadequacy and lack of belonging, that they will grow up purple (I love this blog post by a Mum of TCKs). It is yet another battle that I want to win, for their sake as much as mine. I don't look forward to tearing my children's tender roots from this soil, and relocating them to the other side of the world. That day will come though, and when it does, I will be there with all the empathy a TCK Mum can have. But I won't have all the answers. And as Pooh Bear says so well:

Kia Kaha! Be strong!